My friend and I agreed to read Brene Brown's book, The Gifts of Imperfection, together so I'm reading a small section a night. So far I have about 3 chapters under my belt. Part of me doesn't like it because it is so clinical. When she talks she's a great storyteller but as she writes its a little drier. I'm missing some but I've given myself permission to just read and get what I get instead of going back and re-reading when I realize I haven't understood. Nevertheless, I am continuing to read because after only a couple of chapters I have already found some real gems. A certain amount of therapy and self-work makes many of her ideas fairly intuitive, however, she organizes and articulates things that I didn't know how to explain so I love hearing her talk.
Ms. B describes Wholehearted living as knowing that, no matter what, I am enough. Not after I get a rental property, stop my panic at work, or lose 10 pounds, but now. She says the only difference between people who are Wholehearted livers vs. those that are not is that the Wholehearteds believe that they are worthy of love. That's it. Nothing else. They just believe that they are worthy of love.
Do you believe you are worthy of love? Do I believe I'm worthy of love? Sure, my conscious thinks I'm worthy of love but does my subconscious? Do the little voices in my head suggest I am enough even if my voice cracks during a panic attack or do they comfort me and tell me I'm not perfect but I am enough? Do the voices forgive me that my 11-yr old daughter didn't want to eat crackers because she's afraid of being fat or did they remind me that I'm not giving her a high enough self-esteem and I'm a bad mom?
Brene says "We are biologically . . . wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick . . . the absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering."
I worry about my marriage a lot. Not getting my needs met causes me great anxiety and I have a subtle form of narcissism in ensuring I get what I want. Walking into a messy house that no one has cleaned for me or needing to talk when Tico is not available or hearing him snap at me when I want peace but he is cranky cause extreme agitation and anxiety in me. I'm likely to get mad or retreat or both. My therapist said it was because I rarely got my needs met as I was younger from my parents so I am loud about being sure I get my needs met now. One therapist said an act of love could be to think about what my kids, my husband, others need as I'm going about my day. This is something I want to play with because it seems like a recurring theme.
Brene also talks about the difference between professing love and practicing love. She points out that if you act in an unkind way you're not practicing love. It's further complicated by her assertion that you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself, so that means practicing love to your loved ones, sure, but also practicing love to yourself.
I thought about the concept of practicing love vs. professing it and changed things up a little today. I touched Tico on his waist how he likes it when he was doing the dishes. I sat with him and my daughter for coffee this morning in the sun before I started my work. I congratulated my daughter on cleaning her room. I tickled my son’s back for about 10 seconds until he shoed me out of his room. I tried to be more aware of how my actions create harmony and love in our home. I didn’t get to practicing love on myself. I plumb forgot. I guess I'll try that tomorrow and report back.
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