I heard today that loneliness is as detrimental to your health as smoking 50 cigarettes a day. That's two and a half packs A DAY. It made me stop and think. What makes you lonely? For me its sunsets when I'm sad or fighting, closets that haven't been cleaned out and hold years of old memories, beautiful days with nowhere to go, defrosted chicken in the fridge when the kids have gone to their dad's, lying in bed and falling asleep without talking, when Husband #1 tells me he's getting married.
My loneliness isn't as unbearable as it used to be. I used to hate all sunsets. I used to hate late afternoons, in preparation for the sunset. Now I only hate them when I'm sad. I think I've become a bit of an introvert, which I didn't expect. Lately I've found being alone is nice because I get to do private things like write in my blog or take edibles or masturbate.
Ally McBeal said some of her loneliest times were when she was lying right next to someone. I was incredibly lonely with Husband #1. When he came home from work I would be so excited to see him. Every. Single. Time. Seeing him walk in the door I felt relief and excitement. I'm not alone anymore! He's home! Tonight we're going to have a wonderful time talking and being together! It wouldn't work out that way. I would talk and he would be distracted and try to leave. I would initiate sex and he would turn me down. My being repulsed him. It was painful living with someone so uninterested in me. I know now, and I knew even then, that it wasn't me that he was uninterested in, it was intimacy with me. He was turned off by me and turned off by my need for connection. But what if I could have done more? What if I had been more patient? What if I had made it safe for him? What if I had been able to tolerate his indifference? Would things have worked out differently?
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