What makes a healthy marriage? I know that it is healthy to fight and even go through rough patches, but how do healthy marriages resolve fights that can't be resolved easily? Are we supposed to forget about it? I know marriage is hard, I'm not naive enough to think I'll be content most of the time, but what I want to know is: Is my marriage as hard as it needs to be? Are they all this hard? If I got a tough one, what can I do to make it more tolerable?
I know I love things about being with Tico. I love that he calls having sex 'making love'. I love it when he makes love to me. We've had an excellent physical connection from the beginning, and up until recently I have loved being close to him physically. I love that he enjoys taking me out to nice meals. He will ask me to dance in the middle of a restaurant while the band plays 'Happy Birthday' for me. I love that he is handsome and dresses nice. I love that when I was going through my depression two summers ago he held me while I cried and never tired of my overwhelm.
As a wife I often focus on what I don't like, and that is the direction I've been pulled these weeks. The short story is Tico doesn't want to combine our resources and buy a house, but we're in quarantine and we have time, so I'll tell you the long version. To say buying a house together is the only outcome with which I would be satisfied is unfair. There are plenty of arguments for not buying a new house. I like our house, although it is small. I'm not house-poor and I have enough money to take yearly vacations and generally buy what I want. In this real estate market I'm not sure a bigger house is the next best financial step.
What I do want is to collaborate with Tico and make the decision together. Instead he dismisses me if I let him and bullies me when I insist we talk. The other night Tico and I were eating dinner and I mustered up the courage to talk about these concerns.
I said to him, slowly, "I have something on my mind".
"Not now! I'm eating!" he said, exasperated.
"Ok, when can we talk?" I asked.
"I don't want to talk about anything when I'm trying to eat."
"Ok, you tell me when you're ready to talk."
Three days later when he still didn't initiate a conversation and I insisted we talk. I told him I want to make decisions together, that it isn't about the house, but it points to how we are not partners and I want a partner to take care of and who will take care of me. I want to know that, no matter what, he has my back and we are in this together.
How do I come to terms with his wanting to keep our finances completely separate? How do I justify that he contributes less to the household than Husband #1 does via child support? How do I forgive that when we played with renting a house together he insisted I pay more rent because I have kids living with us? How do I let go of his nasty statements that I'm just taking money from two husbands? It doesn't feel like a partnership and I know he doesn't have my back.
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