I had a baaaad hangover today but not from alcohol. I'm not drinking alcohol and oh, I miss it terribly. I had a vulnerability hangover and was it every bit as painful as from tequila!
Sharing myself via this blog has been a new experience in vulnerability for me. Maybe you're reading it thinking my expression is nothing to be ashamed of but I'm not writing it thinking that. I'm writing thinking these are my deepest, darkest secrets and I can't believe I've just shared this with you. If anyone actually reads them then my life is over. And just in case anyone does read it, I have a pseudonym so you can't tell my boss I have panic attacks and I'm not worthy of my job or tell my husband that I am spreading our dirty laundry all over the internet or (double cringe) tell Husband #1 I still pine for him. Oh shit, if this got into the wrong hands I would be doomed. I wouldn't want to show my face in this town again.
It started this morning when a friend of mine, one of the few that I've shown my precious insides to, told me that she doesn't think my blog is anonymous. She asked if I want to make it truly anonymous or if I care if co-workers and/or Tico and Husband #1 read this. For Fuck's Sake! That one sentence sent me into a tailspin of shame. I wanted to hide in my room. Delete the blog. Erase everything I've written and take it all back. I told myself I was a fool to think this would be useful to anyone and I was forcing people to read my private journal and throwing up all over them. A nasty voice in my head said, "Girl, some shit you just gotta keep to yourself."
I figured getting out of the house and meditation would be good so I took a long walk and listened to Brene Brown's TED talks. Have you ever heard her TED talks? They are beautiful. She's charming, easy to follow, and articulates feelings that intuitively feel right. All of what she said spoke to me. I've heard them before but today when I heard them it was like she knew Exactly What I Was Going Through. She knew I have to share this deeper side of myself because I'm destined for more than this. She understood that I have been living half a life by not sharing more of myself. She explained how people's entire emotional experiences get muted when they aren't willing to risk. Sure, I might not feel quite so low when avoiding vulnerability, but I won't get the wholehearted joys of life that I'm searching for, either. The truly connected marriage, the confidence that my life is in action and on the court. My panic attacks are more prominent when I'm quieting a part of me, either with my husband or with the world. I don't want to quiet myself anymore.
Brene Brown says if you put shame in a petri dish with empathy it can't survive. If shame is faced head-on with empathy then it dissolves. Shame met with "Me too, I know how you feel" will break down and disintegrate. With the help of FaceTime my Christie Brinkley lookalike friend calmly listened and talked to me about how I was feeling. She is a fellow blogger and writer and understood my concerns.
Today was a gift. Every uptick on my blogs threatens my anonymity which terrifies me. AND part of me wants the world to read this and know: You are not the only one with these thoughts. You are not alone. I understand you.
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