Today I found out Husband #1 is getting married. Want to know a secret? Even though I chose the divorce, even though I'm remarried and I (usually) love my new husband, I still miss Husband #1. Our divorce was amicable and we are still quite close. Before marrying Tico I spent a few weeks deliberating if I was cheating on Husband #1 by marrying Tico. Stress dreams would wake me in the night. Or were they sex dreams? I would be cheating on Husband #1 with Tico and or cheating on Tico on Husband #1. I never got a chance to have both at the same time, which is a shame, since it's a dream, after all.
I miss Husband #1 the most when I am reminded of our common goals that Tico and I don't share. Buying a house. Partnering with the kids and our money. When I see an old house that we would have enjoyed fixing up. When I see how much he loves my kids. When Tico doesn't want to take the kids on a vacation or when he doesn't want to go hiking or camping.
Husband #1 and I were young when we got married and financially neither of us had anything except debt. I worked while he went to grad school and we slowly paid off our loans then scraped enough for a 5% down payment on a little condo. We never had a yours vs. mine mentality with money. If my grandparents gave us $50 for our anniversary we spent it on a nice dinner. I missed him enough to cry hard tears when, about a year ago, he proudly told me he got a new job with a big raise and a hiring bonus. I miss what our life could have been. A life with my dream house and kids that didn't have to go back and forth and a person who was my lifelong partner, from 23 years old until I was 99. Don't get me wrong, I know there is the part I'm not telling you, about the sexless years and lonely pain that was so unbearable that leaving was a better option than staying. I know that. But I still miss him.
It's easier to hate our ex's. Admitting how much we loved them and admitting how much we still love them reminds us that we said goodbye to a relationship that had some beautiful pieces.
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