Moving Day

Tonight marks the last night in my condo before I move into my new house. Today was hard. I love this condo and I'm sad to say goodbye. I love the remodeled kitchen and matching appliances. I love my big bedroom with a private bathroom. I love the patio with pretty flowers and the outdoor couch with a cozy fireplace. I love the girly crystal chandelier. This was the condo that I bought after my divorce with Husband #1 and I love how precious it has been for me.

A dear friend from my college days is turning 60 and 35 of his friends contributed to a video montage for him. They sent the final product today and I saw a video clip of one of my old college flames. It sent me into a tailspin of fantasy of how my life could have gone differently, of how my life could have gone better. What if I had married him? What if we were meant for each other but I just screwed it all up? What if now I'm destined to live a less happy life, never quite reaching the full potential of happiness that I could have had if only I had married the right person?

The fantasy turned to self-criticism. He's not thinking about me. He's happily married. And he doesn't want this life I have. Moving to a small house. Married to a woman with anxiety.

When I was living my college days I was blissfully unaware of how debilitating anxiety can be. I was about 24 when I started having anxiety attacks and suffering in silence. How is it that I was stronger when I was 20 than I am when I'm 45? How is it that I used to easily float through responsibilities that would positively cripple me now? Sometimes the self-loathing of anxiety is just as debilitating as the anxiety itself.

I wonder, sometimes, is my anxiety a chemical condition in my body or is it the reflection of how I'm living my life and the choices I've made? Am I anxious because of my job? Have I chosen a life with solid financial security over happiness? Or is my career irrelevant and would I be anxious no matter what I chose? The times in my life that I've worked are the times I've had the most anxiety. I suffer from the pressure to do well and lots of alone time. Could I ever find a career that gives me fun camaraderie and a joyful outlook like my college job? Will I ever have a joyful outlook again?