I just listened to a wonderful interview by Jonathan Bastian with grief expert David Kessler. You can listen to it here:
Too lazy to sit through the 23 minutes? Not an audio learner? No problem! Here's the 30-second summary: David Kessler explains that the lethargy and general malaise that we are (that I am) feeling is grief and caused by unwanted change. We are a grief illiterate society and we don't have general knowledge about the grieving process. Kessler's main contribution to grief research was adding a 6th stage of finding meaningful moments that expand us.
To question if I'm grieving now I have no doubt. It resonates like the hidden clue. I loved Kessler's explanation so much I listened twice while lying on my bed last night. I've felt the feelings I'm feeling now before, too. I unknowingly grieved and was impatient with myself and my sadness after vacations ended, when I graduated from college, as my children grow older and need me less. My anxiety and panic attacks feel familiar to me. Remember when I told you about my first panic attacks after Husband #1 and I were newly married? It was perhaps one of the worst times of my life and it dawned on me that I was grieving then, too. I had finished college and missed my friends and old life terribly. I was heartbroken at the thought of working 50 weeks a year at a boring job with only old people until I retired. I didn't see any meaning in moving to a dusty, ugly city away from all my friends and with an unhappy husband. Our marriage was riddled with grief from day one.
Discovering that I was grieving during those times and the things I'm grieving for now is a puzzle piece that makes everything fit. It explains why was I so anxious and unhappy when I thought I would be living the golden honeymoon years. I still shudder at the thought of that first year of marriage to Husband #1. I still feel sad thinking of how it was supposed to be joyous years of getting closer but instead I was lonely and angry.
Do you know what? I've been feeling that same way in the last year. My therapist and I started a process last year called EMDR which resolves trauma. During our first session I uncovered a deep-seated heartbreak for the loss of my marriage to Husband #1. I was so thrown after the session that I had a hard time functioning through my week. Through the last year my sadness has remained constant. Sometimes I can feel it easing but it is not gone. It has been said that grief is something we learn to live with, not something that ever goes away. The only way to avoid grief is to avoid loving.
I'm also grieving my old job. My co-workers who I could call or Instant Message anytime I needed to chat with a friend. My boss who always had my back and thought I was a star performer. My clients that didn't make me nervous and who I never wavered when presenting to.
It helps me to discover that I was and am grieving mostly because it reminds me to be patient with myself. Of course I'm anxious; I am grieving multiple changes. This level of anxiety won't last forever. I can go through this grieving process. This is normal for what I've been through. This isn't going to last forever.
The next stage, the whole point of Kessler's interview, is finding meaning. I'm not ready for that yet. Just discovering that I'm grieving has been mind-blowing. Finding meaning and seeing beauty in the process my come next. Or it may not. I'm in the process and I don't want to rush myself.
댓글