Holding Out Hope

A friend once told her husband, "You don't like what I'm saying? Well, you can escape my crazy. You get to leave and be away from me. But not me, I'm with me all the time. I'm in my own head and I can't get away from me!"

Be glad you can get away from me because right now this sucks.

I'm in a mood. I'm exhausted but can't sleep for being so sad. I don't want to meditate. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want to read. I don't want to look at social media. I don't want to go out. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want to be alone with my own thoughts. I have a list of text messages and phone calls that I don't want to answer because I'm too depressed and anxious.

"Thanks for checking on me. Life is awful. Tico moved out and I can feel my guts throbbing it hurts so bad. How are you?"

I saw him this weekend. It's so painful to see him. He says all the things I've been wanting him to say for 3 years. Things like, "I've been such a jerk to you, I'm so sorry. I've missed so much of being with you because I was distracted by my own depression. I needed this space to realize how much I miss you and love you." He shared with me his hopes and dreams and they are so beautiful. I still love him. So much.

When it was time for him to go my heart broke. I sobbed. I didn't mean to in front of him but it all came out and he ended up holding me while I cried and saying things like, "It's still not over for us" and "I love you".

Sometimes he can be just lovely. Then again sometimes he can be a pain in the ass. Today I'm holding out hope that by some miraculous chain of events he comes around and things work out between us. Yet I'm not so naive to think that things could change after a month.

Is he capable of change? Is anyone?