I haven't told many people about Husband #1 getting married. The kids don't know. Tico doesn't know. I've only shared it with people who will hold space for me to be sad and confused and let me wonder if I made a big mistake 10 years ago. Like you. Its such a vulnerable secret. What if I made a mistake? What if the truth is that my dead grandparents and God are shaking their heads at me and saying, "He is a good enough guy and husband. What is your problem lady? Why did you do this to your family? Why did you do this to your kids?" I'm remembering only the good and I can't seem to recall why I couldn't stay.
Today is his New Wife's birthday so I made her a flower arrangement and a box of chocolates from the kids. They gave me yeast and flour from their stash since its so hard to find these days. He looked good. He had the all-American dad look with jeans that are just a little more stylish and a shirt just a little more fitted. He wasn't particularly handsome when we got married but he grew into his looks as the years went on. Just another part of how this is so unfair. I've gained weight, turned 44, gotten wrinkles and he's just getting more handsome. The kids went happily to his house for 2 days where they will have fresh made cookies, delicious meals and play with their step-siblings. As they were walking away I thought, "There goes my family".
Will he be happier with her? Will he stop having sex with her like he stopped with me? Will he tell her, "I'm so glad I'm with you now, she was never as supportive as you are." Will she get mad at him and will he pull away in response? Will he take her on fun vacations where they talk for hours in the car like we used to? Will he partner with her on all the things I feel lonely for not having now? Will they buy a house? Will he plan on her, too, when they retire and will she know he will always take care of her?
Will he ever miss me or think of me? Truthfully, I don't want him to miss me; I don't want this pain for him or for her. For the first time I know what he must have felt when I married Tico 4 years ago. I wish I could tell him "I'm sorry, I didn't know how painful it must have been when I married Tico," but that seems wrong and confusing. I wish I could ask him if the pain of the loss will ever go away. I'm down a rabbit hole of self pity and loneliness. I don't seem to be coming up for air anytime soon.
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