Healing

It's Friday afternoon, 2:30, when work ended at 2:00. I smoked a menthol to celebrate. With deep, long drags and hiding in the back behind the guest house in case my daughter came home early from school. God I love cigarettes.

It feels so vulnerable to write today. Then why do I? I don't have an answer for that. I just feel compelled. Sometimes articulating to myself is the only person I have the courage to confess to. That and the few followers that have found me or I (gasp!) told about this blog. I regret telling anyone right now. I regret anyone knowing these secrets about me and surely finding me repulsive.

Yesterday at therapy I was transported to a memory of being on the Cedar Street Bridge while my dad took pictures of me and my sisters. He was displeased by my appearance. My clothes were dirty or my pants were falling down, I don't remember. My hair wasn't right. My smile was fake. He berated me and asked in exasperation, "Why do you always smile like that, Coffee?!" I was heartbroken and ashamed. I vividly remember the scene. Even my sister remembers it, and it wasn't about her.

Remember that my dad was an active alcoholic and drug addict and didn't sober up until I was about 10. His drinking days stopped when I was in 6th grade but I didn't develop a trusting relationship with him until much later in my adult years. During my formative years he was pretty distant and could be a real asshole.

I've been thinking about James lately, as you well-know, along with Tico, and my very first boyfriend, sweet, kind Josh. My therapist had me internalize their love for me by imprinting it into my brain to repair the fear and hurt I felt that night on the Cedar Street Bridge. She suggested I use James, since I've been thinking about him so much, but it didn't immediately fit. Josh came to mind as the loving source that could smile and hold me, then say comforting things like, it's ok, I've felt like that before, too, I love you. Then she had me do the exercise with Tico. Then with James. All three times I was able to tap into the love that they once had for me and internalize it using the EMDR methodology. Today I feel such relief from the agonizing obsessions that I tend to lean towards.