Quarantine is absolutely terrible for my well-being. Social isolation makes me horribly anxious.
Want to see what my anxiety looks like?
This week it dawned on me that I have been working from home for almost 10 years--and I'm an extrovert. This is simply a terrible fit. But how to make a change? Do I want to make a change? When the quarantine ends will this work itself out? No. I need a new job, I can't stand this anymore. But how? We are in quarantine and who is hiring for an office job during the quarantine? My industry predominantly works from home and changing industries would mean a substantial pay cut. Well then I will just switch industries! So I played with the idea of getting my MBA or going to law school. By the end of the walk, I had decided on law school and I committed the decision to my sister who wholeheartedly agreed.
Then it takes a hard left at the corner of decision and control:
Do I really want to go to law school? Do I really want to go to business school? Sure, I would go. I like to read and I love being with people. But do I want to spend $100K to get a job that I'm not sure I would like so much better than the one I have now? What about just opening a coffee shop or flipping houses? Both of those sound more fun and wouldn't require forcing myself to do write the papers or read boring books.
Then the hopelessness comes:
So much of my life feels like I'm forcing myself to do things. Working from home requires massive effort to stay motivated. My daily exercise long ago became monotonous walking around the same neighborhoods. Making the same dinners every night at the same time with the same results. Not drinking alcohol or doing edibles.
Then my real fears, deep in there:
I look forward to interactions with friends. When I'm in social isolation my needs for friendship are so much more than what others seem to need and I feel vulnerable needing more than others seem to. I know others miss the social interactions, too, but I am more extroverted than most people and my energy feels zapped if I'm alone for too long. I get tired and lethargic and I feel like I don't have any fight left in me. Zoom meetings bore me and phone calls rarely get me out of my funk. I need people. I need people and I need to talk and I need to be heard. I want to reach out to friends and tell them how much I need to be taken care of right now. But being needy is scary. Needing more social time, connection and intimacy than what someone wants to give me is truly my vulnerability.
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