My husband and I have been married 4 years. It is my second marriage and his first, but he was 49 years old so he was an old dog learning new tricks. Handsome, yes, but stuck in his ways. One of our recurring fights is about money and finances. Do you ever fight about money? I have justified it for years since we both came into the marriage with our own assets but I don't think that anymore. It goes something like this.
He has a generous fund that was gifted to him shortly after our marriage. I make more money than he does and I bought a house before we were together that has lots of equity. Together we should have it all, right? Wrong.
When he initially received the money I was so worried he would think I was after his money that I bent over backwards trying to prove to him (and to his family) that I didn't care about his money. I hosted big parties for his family whenever they were in town. I made a big deal of his birthdays and threw him a big party for his 50th. I don't charge him much rent and I pay all the household utilities, food and expenses. 5 years in I've changed my tune and I now feel taken advantage of. I know a lot of his scarcity mentality comes from a place of fear of losing his money and I'm no longer ok with our financial setup.
Want to hear about one of our fights? Sure you do!
I saw a big (for California) 2100 square foot house for sale in my price range and I was excited about it. Maybe I could buy it. It is a fixer but I can afford it and then I could have a whole house. That's amazing in my expensive neighborhood! Our conversation goes something like this:
Me: I could buy it alone. Or we could split it, 50/50 downpayment and 50/50 for the mortgage.
Husband: I don't want to buy a house with you.
Me: Why not?
Husband: You control everything in this house. I don't want to be where you control everything and also be stuck with a mortgage.
Me: Yeah, I do control everything. It's my responsibility to pay for it and it's my house. You don't pay for half and you want me to give you half, but you don't give me half of your resources.
Husband: Well give me full control of your house and you will like it. You will feel less stressed because you will feel supported instead of like you are alone. Give me full control and you will like it. You will be happier. You just have to trust me.
Me: That's like me saying 'Give me full access to your bank accounts and let me have full control on how to invest your money and how to make spending choices. You will be happier. You just have to trust me.'
I'm scared his money is his backup plan for if our marriage doesn't work out.
Sometimes I want to leave. Sometimes I seriously contemplate divorce. How can I stay with a man who doesn't think, "what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours"? It feels a little more like, "what's yours is ours and what's mine is mine". I spent about 3 weeks contemplating divorce. A good friend told me a quarantine is NOT the time to separate, I assured her it is the perfect time because this is when we find out what we are made of.
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