I find myself, two glasses of wine in, watching old President Obama speeches and eating bowls of my son's Cocoa Pebbles and Cap'n Crunch Berries. I tell myself eating cereal with my boy is a bonding moment as we devour one, then two, then three bowls. I intended to give up drinking for a few weeks more but the call of the slight relief, the small high of a buzz called strong and since I'm on vacation tomorrow I have the night-before-vacation excitement.
Yesterday on a Teledoc call with my psychiatrist I told her how it is so unfair that I've been abstaining from alcohol and edibles and I still don't have any relief from the anxiety attacks. I'm looking for a high and there are so few of them these days. The first time I felt really excited to the point of elation was when I had plans to see some friends. I didn't even drink I was just so excited for a social setting. She asked me if I'm having suicidal thoughts and I assured her that I am not it is just a breakthrough or situational anxiety. It is hard for us to find external stimulation with this quarantine and that I need to find creative ways to encourage my senses.
Decidedly the best way to stimulate my brain is to change my environment, so tomorrow Tico and I are driving to Santa Barbara for the day. Santa Barbara's beaches are open so we are going to spend the day at the beach and have a picnic. I am so excited for the day off from the routine!
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