My son recently taught his sister how to play poker and today they asked me to join them. We played and I saw them interact in a rare amicable pattern where they were truly playing with one another by laughing and carrying on. Poker was fun, although I missed drinking and smoking cigarettes. Chain-smoking menthols sounds glorious. Also, when my daughter was loosing she got visibly frustrated and stopped focusing. I understand her hating to see the money disappear and tried to create more fun but I was also reminded that it can be tiresome to play with younger people with delicate emotions.
I recall how tedious it used to be to play legos or veterinarian when the kids were younger. I tried to engage with them but truthfully I would be relieved to "have" to go make dinner or even clean in order to get away from the monotony of their simple games. Oh how I wanted to be a mom that could do the same Thomas The Train track for hours or put a ball down a slide until the kids were the first ones to leave the game! Alas, it was constant work for me to engage with them so they could have the experience of mom wanting to play with them.
Being fully quarantined isn't good for my anxiety levels and I've been practicing social-distanced picnics and trips to the beach with a few friends. My poor daughter doesn't have that flexibility. She is at the mercy of her friends' parents if they allow a walk on the beach or a bike ride around the neighborhood. I'm frustrated that I don't have the freedom to leave the house when I want to and know that my kids are ok.
This is a difficult dilemma. My daughter is an extrovert like I am and, also like me, she is starting to feel the impacts of being isolated at home. I want to teach her that we can only do the best we can do. Sometimes that means not following the quarantine rules as closely as some of our friends and neighbors can. And what to do when my friends can meet up for a social call and hers can't? How do I resolve that? Do I go even though she can't? Or do I set the precedent of a socially distanced family? I think I'm too selfish to give up my own need for conversation in solidarity for her.
Wandering around the house this afternoon after playing poker and rolling my eyes at their strange game of playing dead, all the while not going on a picnic with my friend who is free this weekend, I was guilt-ridden. What kind of mom leaves to go be with friends when her daughter can't? What kind of mom finds playing with her kids in a global pandemic tedious? Is this healthy guilt or is this the not-ever-feeling-enough guilt?
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