Things kind of sucked at work yesterday and today. I've been at my new job for 8 months now, but I still feel so behind and like I need too much extra help. I had stress dreams that I showed a client the spread of our profitability and they asked me to reduce based on that. I had to go back to my boss and explain what I had done.
Today I had a 1:1 with my boss and I would have liked to ask her questions about pricing sheets but I didn't. Instead, I told her I was all good and we could end the meeting early. Why did I do that? I sensed she's irritated with how needy I am and, while I suspect it's not about me, it hurts my feelings. I don't like being needy. I feel guilty taking her time. I hate needing so much extra help. I miss my old job and my old boss that never cared how much help I needed.
Having needs is painful and I've long held a belief that having needs is bad. When I was going through those hard first years of being married to Husband #1 I wanted his support during the tough transition. The absolute worst thing I recall him saying to me was that I was too needy and he couldn't be my therapist. I felt despicable and ugly and completely unloveable.
After years of therapy, I've discovered that being needy is uncomfortable because for such a large part of my childhood having needs was annoying to my caregivers who had unmet needs themselves. My dad is an alcoholic and didn't stop drinking until I was 11 and my mom was surviving raising three young kids on her own. My stepmom openly admitted she didn't like kids and prefered to be alone with our dad. Our very presence irritated her. I imagine that when my sisters and I were extra needy, for example, crying a lot or angry about being shuttled back and forth or just wanted extra cuddles, we were quickly dismissed and seen as a nuisance. Thankfully we had each other as constants and were able to provide a semblance of support to each other.
Being in a new job where so many idiosyncracies are unclear to me and I need extra help is pushing my comfort level. I like being self-sufficient and knowing my stuff. I like supporting myself financially and I like being able to take care of everything on my own. I've set up my life so I can handle it, whatever it is, and I feel gratitude for that every time I think of it.
Two summers ago when I had my breakdown I needed to cry and be held by Tico and he had no limit to how many hours he would hold me. He didn't have an end date for when the breakdown should be over. It was a turning point in our marriage and that love he showed me is something for which I will always be grateful. It started to heal my childhood wound that my needs are tiresome and the worst part of me.
Brene Brown talks about being vulnerable. Maybe this is what she means. Remembering that I can say, "I still don't understand, even though you've explained it to me 4 times". Keeping the hour-long meeting even though I've already taken up my boss' time this week. Saying "I'm not good at this and I need extra help."
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