A Stirring Of A Longing

I'm so bored and lonely. I want to take a vacation next summer. I have an airline credit, thanks to a cancelled trip due to COVID. Oh, how I would love to take my kids to Paris.

But first.

First I have to deal with my life. First I have to deal with this separation from Tico. First I have to move into my new house I bought. First I have to deal with this new loneliness.

A friend is struggling with giving up casual sex from multiple partners and the semblance of a relationship based on sporadic text messages and occasional phone calls. They have caused excessive distraction, not fulfilled her need for true connection and, after a year of being divorced, she decided it was time to cut them off.

When I got divorced from Husband #1 my coping mechanism was a spiral of love, sex, overdrinking, concerts, and the search for the next man. It sounds fun but truthfully it was an awful, painful period. I wanted to get out of my own skin and the next party or bar was a mirage of happiness. Like a comedian that feels happy and fulfilled on stage but depressed as soon as the applause is over, I was constantly seeking out my next conquest.

One family wedding I actually hit on a cousin. Not my cousin by blood, more like a step-cousin. The cousin turned out to be gay and I didn't know. He has a very public life and his sexual orientation could jeopardize his respect in his industry. Maybe that's made up and he doesn't want to come out of the closet for other reasons, but either way, he wasn't ready. When my advances were politely declined I continued to drink more alcohol and wander around telling any family member who would listen about my tale of woe. Crying.

I am thinking about that night as I watch TV and see his face. In listening to my friend detox love addiction I recall the pain of my own and the pain I caused. I recall the panic that I would be alone forever if I didn't manipulate a dating situation to end up with the odds in my favor--subtly flirt, wear attractive clothes, leave my hair long and flowy, lose my belly fat.

My separation from Tico hasn't spurred aggressive man-seeking in the way my separation from Husband #1 did. I have little interest in bathing, much less looking appealing to a man. The idea of sex with another man horrifies me. Yet. Yet there is a stirring there that has woken up with my friend's recent pain and it scares me.

I'm too mad at Tico to forgive him right now, and in the meantime I feel a stirring of a longing of being someone's favorite.