I haven't known what to write and I skipped two days from blogging. I have a voice that says that what I write needs to be catchy or clever or lovely before I can contribute. How often do we feel like we can't contribute without something significant to say?
I'm feeling a little blah.
The day started with a dream about an ex-boyfriend, one that I missed terribly as I was going through my first bout of anxiety attacks/ panic attacks as a new bride to Husband #1. I associate the early 2000s as a time to mourning the loss of that relationship as well as dealing with numerous changes that ultimately led to my first panic attacks. After I woke up I thought, "Oh shit, he was my soul mate and now I'll forever be missing him and screwed because I broke up with him 25 years ago." Great start, right?
Then I had a meeting with my boss. She's younger than me, mid to late 30s, and has a judgemental-ness that I relate to when I was in my mid-30s. Thankfully it seems to disappear in my 40s and I hope it continues to diminish even more as I get older. I find her charming and relatable and I also get pulled into the gossip and unforgiving nature of when someone makes a mistake.
Another woman, Susan, started in a partner role to mine around the same time I did. She's made a few mistakes or skipped steps altogether that left other teams confused and behind or unknowingly put deadlines at risk. Today and other days my boss has said things in reference to how Susan doesn't know what she's doing and a was little annoyed and exasperated at her not knowing. I am also new and clueless and I wish she was more compassionate to her learning curve. Does she know that every time she references Susan's mistakes she's making me self-conscious of my own?
When a leader in a company holds judgment towards colleagues, even if they are in a different department, the stage is set that people are expected to be perfect. I don't feel safe around my boss and even though I know I'm doing a good job and learning at a quick pace, I'm not free to make mistakes. I don't have friends in my department and I don't feel fully accepted. Part of this comes with time or perhaps this is just the nature of the team. What I know is that I'm left with a feeling of anxiety and stress of doing a bad job.
I had another anxiety attack on a call today. It wasn't too bad, I just talked out of breath for a while, but I'm scared that I am having them so frequently now. I had taken a Klonopin 30 minutes prior to the call but it didn't calm me. That scared me, too, to think that they are getting worse. I'm scared. I'm scared that maybe I can't do this job since I'm having so many attacks. Is this the quarantine stress or is this just me now? If I can't do this job how will I support my family and make money? I feel stuck in the corporate world and on this team. Is it the team or is it me? I want to be resilient enough to withstand someone's criticisms or judgemental words.
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